Masturdating: The Art of Dating Yourself

“You can be married and bored, or single and lonely. Ain’t no happiness nowhere.” –Chris Rock

The digital world has presented a paradox: We are so digitally connected as we sit by ourselves at home that we have forgotten how to actually be alone.

Have you experienced disappointing date after disappointing date? Have you met those people in relationships that derive their excitement from the latest Netflix series? How about sitting through your 30th date who has no depth beyond their job title or food preferences? I’ve been there.

And it doesn’t have to be this way.

I’m not saying that you shouldn’t date. What I am saying is that if you are depending on someone or something else to love yourself, you’ve got work to do.

I’m here to tell you that I have found a way out.

There’s a fringe practice that you can begin today and it is called Masturdation.

Rise Up and Masturdate

“How many?”

“Just one, thank you.”

“Right this way.”

Masturdating is an intimate experience between you, yourself, and any betweeny stuff standing between the two of you. That betweeny stuff is where the magic of getting to know yourself happens. Some people call it the mystery.

That mystery zone is like the Red Sea and you are the Moses, whose duty it is to part the sea in order to deliver your enslaved, bad ass self to freedom.

This is no easy task. Society, Jerry, is stacked against you.

A large portion of the economy involves predatory fulfillment of this uncertainty by marketing an easy way out to billions of breeders. It’s called cheap self-help. Like this article.

Get fit. Get paid. Get Laid. Gym. Tan. Laundry. Be like everyone else. The path to knowing yourself is to drink, smoke, eat or fuck your way out of discomfort. Eat the ESPN diet: Budweiser, chicken wings and pizza. Breed.

This path leads only to fucking yourself. It’s wasteful.

To learn my lesson, I’ve spent money on a shallow lifestyle of hip bars, $15 cocktails, talking to both men and women with dependency issues, and an incapacity to be emotionally vulnerable. I was one of them and the culprit.

It wasn’t until I got serious about masturdating that I realized that I was solely responsible for the type of people and situations I was attracting into my life.

How Do I Masturdate?

It’s a lot like masturbating. The first time is going to be awkward. You might even feel guilty for doing it. Selfish even. But, it’s a lot like dating another person.

Hold yourself accountable to the same standards you would hold a date. Put the phone away for an hour, listen attentively to your inner dialogue, and ask yourself great questions. The longer you can masturdate in this way, the higher you will value you yourself.

Confidence accompanies the experienced masturdater.

You can masturdate everywhere. Masturdate in the mountains, masturdate on the sea, masturdate so everyone can see.

Do it before dating. Do it while dating. Do it between dates and after dates.

Try to find that high of getting to your center by masturdating on a mountain top with a squad of monks. Solo travel the Ring of Fire. Go to the new vegan ice cream shop, then watch a sunset in silence.

Enjoy the pleasure of not having to listen to a date drone about how she needs a partner who “Must love dogs” or how important brunch is to her lifeforce.

Let your corepower grow as you do yoga with strangers, or join a public speaking class. Join a co-ed team. Meditate.

Masturdate for several years, or a hundred. Maybe you’ll write a book. It worked for Gabriel Garcia Marquez, the author of 100 Years of Solitude. It also worked for Henry D. Thoreau, one of the original Masters of Masturdating.

Thoreau reflected that even if you’re with other people, if your heart is not open, you will be lonely.

Having an open heart requires one to be vulnerable. Being vulnerable requires an ability to know oneself.

And how do you get to know yourself? It requires getting uncomfortable.

It requires a healthy regiment of masturdation.

Master the Date

Whether you’re married, in a relationship, or running rampant in the tinder games, masturdate.

Do it especially if you’re lonely or depend on others to feel happiness. A great masturdater can immediately identify a droplet of dependency.

It’s up to you, not your friends, family, or dates, to get to know yourself.

Always remember that

“…if you love yourself just know you’ll never be alone.” — Big Sean

So, go ahead. Ask yourself out on a date. What’s the worst that could happen?