Job Descriptions — The Fake Happiness Culture of the Startup World

To apply

Please first read our 40 page manifesto on culture. For perspective, it will also do you well to read ‘Farenheit 451’. You must know that we only deliver happiness, and all other human emotions are frowned upon.

Via social experimentation, we have found that by eliminating real human emotions from our workplace, our startup will thrive its way to become the next billion dollar unicorn.

Our remote team is full of hustlers who work multiple jobs outside our 40 hour per week expectation. We expect that you have been working on exactly what we are doing, and more, for at least the past few years.

You must share the same blinding enthusiasm as the CEO to be a part of our team. Our product is changing the world. Have you noticed?

Because this is an apprenticeship role, we expect you to have zero experience within the past 10 years, while showing that you are a full-on, dedicated practitioner of the craft.

If that sounds right to you, please write to us an essay about why you will be a perfect fit for our cult…em, startup.

If we like what you’re saying, we will ask that you complete a case study for one of our products. This will take 5–15 hours of your time.

We receive thousands of free case studies from under and unemployed millennials like you every single day. Your idea might be our next marketing plan. Thank you in advance, friend. Follow us on Twitter!

Finally, if you are one of the lucky ones, we will bring you on for a 2 week test period — unpaid — where we will see if you have the chops and positivity to be a part of our community.

If selected, you will be part of our advanced startup culture, and will be expected to receive, with immense gratitude, a $2,000/month salary.

Do you have what it takes? We cannot wait to hear from you.

Until then, check out our happiness blog to see how our mediocre product is doing, check the lukewarm interest on social media, and witness our blog that features content written purely for SEO.

See you soon!



Over to you

Have you experienced this new job hunt funnel? It’s the rare startup that at least is up front about pay. For the others, asking for free work without any return transparency on the account of the startup is old school BS. Keep clear of these companies. 

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